Home  Musician Jokes - The Guestbook/Forum has been suspended.

Please note: all jokes told with love, and in one gender (masculine or feminine) because it's easier and probably funnier. New jokes will appear regularly, so bookmark the site and be sure to revisit. Submit your jokes via contact details at: Home.

"What's the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist?"
Answer: "A rock guitarist plays three chords to a million people and a jazz guitarist plays a million chords to three people!"

"Let's lute the city", said the minstrels.

The Banned?
Ron Chords - piano
Paul De Strings - bass
Ian Gee - guitar
Buster Skin - drums
Eamonn Miss - lead trumpet
Willie Splittit - 2nd trumpet
Dwight Guy - 3rd trumpet
Kenny Read - tenor
Justin Tune 2nd tenor
Izzy Sharp - alto
Arthur Chorus - 2nd alto
...Dizzy Flourish - soprano
Peter Out - baritone
Andy Double - clarinet/flute
Sam Barr - congas
Michael Feedback - vocals
Terry Bull - vocals
Norma Stitts - vocals
Seamus Histurn - fiddle
Wes McCash - bagpipes
Mahatma Coat - sitar
Phil Allgaps - percussion
Oi U - Security guard (Chinese)
Norma Stitts - Vocals
Sheila Blige - Vocals
Ivor E. Keys - Piano
Manheim Stoned - Tenor Sax (German)
Peter Out - Bass Trombone
Oliver Guiness - Baritone Sax
Mel O'Drama - vocals (opera)
Pandit Rotten - Indian critic
Carrie Moore - harp
Paige Turner - triangle
Gerry Attrick - souzaphone

How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Thirty-two, one to put it in and 31 to sing about the old one.

Groan... they're old but gold.

Did you see what happened when the drummer locked his keys in the car?
They had to break a window to get the bass player out.

How do you know it's a drummer at the door?
He knocks three times and comes in late.

What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
You only have to punch in the information into a drum machine once.

What do you call a guy who hangs round with musicians?
A drummer.

What's the last thing a drummer ever says in a band?
"I've got an idea for a song."

"Mummy mummy when I grow up I want to be a drummer."
She said; "Don't be silly, you can't do both!"

Why do guitarists tell one liner jokes?
So the drummer can understand them.

Why was the guitarist found battered and bruised and lying in a ditch?
He told one too many drummer jokes.

The secret to my guitar playing success is Voodoo. I went down to the crossroads at midnight when out from the shadows stepped Lucifer, the Devil himself. I handed him my guitar. He tuned it, played a hot lick and then handed it back to me. I sold my soul for rock 'n' roll. But you can learn to play guitar (so that you can make it cry and sing) the easy way by contacting Bob Houlston for guitar tuition. ;o)

You may see the origin of these jokes (some already submitted on this web page) at URL: GuitarSite.com

While we're on the jokes, here are a couple I like (apols if you've read them before):

Q: How many C+W bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: I, V, I, V, I, V...

A kid wants to learn bass so his dad block-books ten lessons with a teacher. After the 1st lesson, dad asks how it went. Kid replies "I'm jacking the lessons" "Wha? Why?" "A band's offered me a gig."

Q: What's the difference between a bass and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on the trampoline.

Q: Why don't bass players ever catch a cold?
A: Even a virus has some pride.

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Never mind. The piano player can do it with his left hand.

Q: What's the first thing a bass player says when he knocks on your door?
A: "Pizza!"

Losing your job as a pizza deliverer is unfortunate. Losing your job as a bass player is a bit "special needs".

Q: How do you know when a singer knocks on the studio door?
A: He does'nt know when to come in.

Q: How do you know when a drummer knocks on the studio door?
A: The knocking speeds up.

Q: How do you know when the drum riser is level?
A: The drool comes out of BOTH sides of his mouth.

Q: How do you get a lead guitarist to stop playing?
A: Put some sheet music in front of him.

Q: Why don't bass players ever catch a cold?
A: Even a virus has some pride.

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Never mind. The piano player can do it with his left hand.

Q: What's the first thing a bass player says when he knocks on your door?
A: "Pizza!"

It is easy to have negative opinions of a drum machine but at least it will turn up for band rehearsal, will stay in time, and won't sleep with your girlfriend! ;)

How do you know the singer's at the door?
He hasn't got the right key and he doesn't know when to come in.

How do you know the drummer's at the door?
The knocks get faster and faster.

How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. Five. One. Five. One. Five.

What's the last thing a drummer says before he's thrown out of the band?
"Let's play one of MY songs."

What do you throw a drowning guitar player?
His amp.

How many record producers does it take to change a lightbulb?
"I don't know. What do you think?"

How many union roadies does it take to change a lightbulb?
Eleven. You got a problem with that?!

What's the difference between a violin and a bass?
A bass burns longer.

What do you call a drummer with no girlfiend?
Homeless.

The bass player came tearing out a club in hot pursuit of another guy.
The bouncer asked him, "What's the problem?"
Puffed the bassist "That guy turned one of my tuning pegs, and he won't tell me which one."

How many female country vocalists does it take to sing "Crazy"?
Apparently, all of them!

What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up an oboe.

What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

What is "perfect pitch"?
When you lob a clarinet into a toilet without hitting the rim.

What's the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax?
You can tune a lawn mower, and the neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawn mower and don't return it.

If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune tenor sax player, an out of tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
The out of tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate you are hallucinating.

How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax?
Add vibrato.

What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead snake in the road?
Skid marks in front of the snake.

What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
The country singer might've been on his way to a recording session.

How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.

What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
"Year-at-a-glance"

What's the range of a tuba?
About twenty yards, if you have a good arm.

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.

What does a timpanist say when he gets to work?
"Would you like fries with that, sir?"

"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about a half a beat behind the drummer."

How can you tell when a drummer is at your door?
The knock gets faster.

How can you tell when a soprano is at your door?
You can't. She can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.

How long does a harp stay in tune?
About twenty minutes, or until someone opens the door.

Why are a violinist fingers like lightning?
They rarely strike the same spot twice.

How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
The bow is moving.

What's the difference between a violist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.

Why are violins smaller than violas?
They really are the same size, but the violinists' heads are bigger.

What's the difference between violists and terrorists?
Terrorists have sympathisers.

How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
Sell it and buy a violin.

What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
The coffin has the corpse inside.

How do you put a twinkle in a soprano's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.

What's the definition of a gentleman?
One who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't.

What's the definition of an optimist?
A choral director with a mortgage.

What's another definition of an optimist?
An accordion player with a pager.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
To get away from the sound.

What's the difference between a soprano and the PLO?
You can negotiate with the PLO.

Home

END OF FILE