Home Jokes

You know you're middle class when your bookcase is bigger than your TV.

Therapist - What seems to be the problem?
Elephant - I feel like even if I stand in the middle of the room, nobody acknowledges me.

Zoom meetings are just modern seances:
'Someone wants to join us'
'Are you there?'
'We can't hear you, can you hear us?'

When I apply for a job I tell the interviewer I've got a Phd... poor, hungry and determined.

Why didn't Hitler play golf? He couldn't get out of the bunker.
Thank you, Arthur.

I went into a pet shop and asked to buy a wasp. "Sorry, we don't sell pet wasps." "Really, so why are there two in your window?" Thank you, Arthur.

I was working on my computer when I started to feel so cold. I couldn't understand why but then I realised that I had too many Windows open.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
Because the chicken was on holiday.

Two ships sailing in the English Channel collided. One was carrying red paint and the other blue paint. The crew were marooned.

People with an acuté accent are most likely French.

I joined an origami class but it folded.

Two men were arrested. One was carrying batteries and the other fireworks. One was charged and the other let off.

Previous chancellor of the exchequer Nigel Lawson (anagram) we all sign on.

A man is like a floor. If he's laid right... you can walk all over him.

Counselling?! I'd rather take the tablets.;)

At Easter be like an egg.
If you can't get laid...
Get smashed!

I didn't got to university. Didn't have time... I was too busy working.

Now I have a smartphone, with unlimited minutes and texts, I have stopped sending Christmas cards and wish good tidings to my friends and family via Vodafone. This saves a lot of money. I have kept cards I have received previously and display them as before. This idea works really well until someone visits me and remarks: "Uncle John died years ago... how come he's sent you a card this year?!"

Why were Rudolph & Vixen not available for sale on eBay?
Bescause they were two deer.

Is it a waste of electricity to leave the stars on at night?

Opinion: Well... is the equilibrium of mind, body & spirit.

It occurs to me that a prolonged stay in a NHS psychiatric secure unit is equivalent to...
an Oxbridge education.

Today is National procrastination day.
"Wonderful, how should we celebrate?"
Well, we could postpone until next week.

It doesn't matter whom you vote for...
The Government always wins!

A man lost his dog.
So he put an advert in the newsagent's window and the advert read...
"Here boy!"

I used to train dogs.
I even taught a dog football.
He's now playing for Barking.
Thank you, Arthur.

I have two dogs.
One's called Rolex and the other Timex.
They're watch dogs.

If you want to give up smoking, those nicotine patches are good...
They work best when you stick them over your mouth.

I don't smoke myself but I have been known to smoulder.

I was driving along in the countryside during the Summer when my car engine spluttered to a stop. I was dismayed to see the fuel gauge was at zero. Just then a bee flew in through the open window and landed on my shoulder. It said to me: "Get out of the car, open the fuel cap and wait." I did as I was told and the bee flew off into the distance. A few minutes later a vast swarm of bees flew towards my car and into the petrol tank and then out again. The bee spoke to me: "Now, get into the car and start the engine." So I did that and I was amazed to hear the engine burst into life and the fuel gauge reading full. I said to the bee: "How did you do that?" "Well, you've heard of BP."

Australia's biggest export is the boomerang.
Australia's biggest import is the boomerang.

Never break wind in an Apple Store - they don't have Windows.

If you want to understand paranoid people, try following them around.

Motorist - I'm not driving like a lunatic, Officer, I'm swerving to avoid all the trees in the middle of the road!
Cop - ...That's your air freshener.

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